A life of learning

My mom thought me to say 'no' to a friend when I was around 8 or 9. It was to a friend who kept on wanting to borrow money to buy ice-creams because she said her mother told her to eat one ice-cream everyday. That, even to my then innocent and naive self, sounded like a lie.

I learned that some people lie just for the sake of lying not that long after. When another girl deliberately told me lies about her family and gave me fake phone numbers after making me promise to call her at home.

I became aware of jealousy when one friend complained that another was trying to steal me away as a 'friend'. And I felt jealousy for myself when I found myself saying mean things to someone after she won a race. Both situation perplexed me. The first because I thought that we were all friends with each other and it shouldn't have mattered. The second because it scared me that I would try to hurt a friend over something that I didn't really want anyway.

In secondary school I learned that it was possible to behave normally during the day, and still shut yourself up in your room to cry at night. Every night. For a year.

Somewhere along the way, I learned the invaluable lesson that people will talk about you behind your back. And that they might not necessarily think well of you. This happened when one friend asked me point blank about my thoughts one what another friend had told her in confidence; that she didn't like me and thought that I was proud and arrogant. I don't remembered how I answered, but I remembered the shock and the feeling of being wronged. Looking back, perhaps I did give her reason to think so (I lived mostly in my own thoughts back then, still do in fact) but I'd never purposely looked down or felt superior to anyone else. And while I don't blame her and in fact am appreciative of the lesson that I learnt, I could never bring myself to like her again after that.

I learned (but didn't yet understand) that girls will have crushes on boys (and vice versa) and the things that they do. And that people will gossip.

Off to college and I learned that confining hundereds of teenagers in a site far from civilisation in order to educate and prepare them for the "real" world is just stupid. And that there is a difference between an advice and an order. Between teaching and preaching. And that if you nit-pick on little things I will continue to do them just to spite you.

People will group you with other people because of your similarities, without bothering to ask for your opinion. And even teachers, educators; shapers of the young; will judge you based on your appearance. A teacher (who I will probably remember forever) once told me in a triumphant voice, "Your time will soon be over". I hated her for it. Firstly because the way she said it made it sound as if I was the leader of some gang that was corrupting the whole college. Secondly because it made me realise that she cared more about "winning" and promoting her own values than she did about "teaching".

I learned to distrust and question people and their motives, especially those of the opposite sex.

Once in uni I learned that the grass is always greener on the other side. No matter how many times you cross over the fence. But seriously, there is no such thing as the perfect city to live in. It's all a matter of preference and opinion.

I learned that there's so much that we know. But even more that we don't. And while asking questions are good. Learn to ask them in the right place. Holding up a tutorial with questions that are out of the scope of study are not going to earn you brownie points with anybody especially when there's 50 more tutorial questions that need to be finished.

I learned that some lecturers don't care. Some do. But they're (mostly) not scary people at all. And that they have better things to do then try to end your (alleged) reign of terror.

I've realised that Malaysians will be Malaysians. The good. The bad. The lah.

Money and time have become convenient excuses. Don't want to go? No money, no time. And the crowd shuts up. (Oh, I sound cynical now.)

I come to the realisation that reasons are sometimes mere excuses in disguise. But it takes a hell of a lot of courage to admit it.  And even more courage to do something about it.


I learned that life sucks. I learned that life's fantastic. I learned that life is a contradiction.

I learned. I'm learning. I will never have learnt enough.

I is want to be teenager again!

Today, I realised that I have been single for all the 23 years of my life. It's shocking. That I am 23 years old (24 this year). When did that happen? How the heck did I get to 23 when I don't even remember 21 or 22? Oh and about being single, that's a good thing in my opinion. I don't really have strong feelings about it either way. [Ironically, the only reason that I've remembered that today is Valentine's Day is because a friend on fb has been posting status updates every couple of days about our religion being against celebrating valentines.]

Now, being 23 years old and finishing school within the next 4 months (PANIC!!!) means that I have entered the dreaded period where well-meaning relatives will undoubtedly ask when they visit, "So when are you going to get married?". *shivers*
 I am hoping to escape notice due to the fact that
1) Both my elder sister and brother have not married yet
2) A large amount of second cousins (ie my cousins' children) are roughly in the same age group as me and hopefully will either provide enough weddings at regular intervals so that said relatives are too busy to bother with me or are more willing cannon fodder that will protect me from having to answer such questions
3) The fact that all mother's acquaintances do not have unmarried sons or nephews (ie no matchmaking opportunities)

Pheeewww...

Now, I suppose the next question to tackle is "Why the heck am I single?". My friends like to tell me that my standards for men (and for everything else in my life apparently) are too high or that I've never bothered looking. Dead wrong on the first; spot on for the latter. There's so much that I can say on these 2 subjects that I don't even know where to begin.
People think I have high standards because most of my social circle come from backgrounds that stress on academic performance and I'm good at studying. Sitting for exams is one of things I'm good at, and at this point my life probably the only thing I'm confident with. So I set relatively high standards for myself when it comes to academics. For everyone else this translates to having high standards for all areas of my life. It doesn't.
The second reason, however, is true. I've never seriously considered it. Why? A lot of reasons. None of them I want to get into right now.

Now the final question I suppose is whether I'm planning to score myself a boy toy guy. Well, not really. The idea is slowly growing on me (oh noes! my age is showing!) but I'm still a bit *meh* about the whole idea. Whatever will be, will be. Or something like that.

[It is also the Chinese New Year today! Hooray!]

Crosswords Crossroads

Crap. New circumstances necessitate a review of (mostly already set) plans.  Gonna have to weigh the 'yes's and 'oh no's all over again.   [And I can't for the life of me figure out how to write that with the proper punctuation]

And the giant crosswords in the Sunday paper are [....]

Discipline & Dedication

Need more of these.

When nothing can be said [2]

Oh, I wish I could say it. But I can't. Whatever la. Everyone has their own way.