Whichever part of my brain that controls languages seems to be frozen.

When asked a question, it can't decide whether to answer in Malay or English. Resulting in a weird pause or silent gestures.

Maybe I should move to a country where the dominant language is something totally foreign. At least hand gestures would be understandable then.

Moody days.

Stresss...

Why?

Because I can't concentrate! Grrrr... I take 5 minutes just to pick out the pdf file that I need. Another 5 minutes just staring at the first page. And then I realise that I've forgotten why I wanted to look at the stupid thing in the first place.

Unearthed my external harddisk and plugged it in for all my old songs. The slow ones put me to sleep. The upbeat ones feel to cheery. The jiwang ones... bluek.

Refreshed my email a gazillion times, when I'm not really waiting for anything. Typed different SMSes to different people at several different points in time, but never sent out any because I don't have anything to say.

Everything feels wrong today. And I can't just get settled. And now I feel like bursting out in tears for no apparent reason.

If I was anywhere else but work, I'd just pack up, go home and just sleep it off.

Moody days.

o_0

http://thestar.com.my/lifestyle/story.asp?sec=lifeliving&file=/2010/10/18/lifeliving/7221312

Confused

Ohhhh. Why do I ...
... worry when I should be reassured?
... feel unhappy when I should be content?
... cling on when I should let go?
... question when I should be grateful?

I don't know even know anymore, what are my true feelings and what are just excuses.

A reminder.

Blast from the past

I fired up my old laptop to look up some files to pass over to someone, and found a whole lot of stuff that I never got around to sorting out and transferring over to an external harddisk. One of these treasures is actually a copy of my old blog! And reading back makes me feel... nostalgic? envious? ashamed?

I don't know, really.

Randomly chosen excerpts:

June 20th 2007
I saw kittins on the way home! KITTINS! And they looked at me with big round eyes! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! KITTINS!!!

June 12th 2007
I have a fixation with N
fixation: an unhealthy and compulsive preoccupation with something or someone
And who is mysterious N?
Well, not telling! Hahaha...

May 13th 2007
Ngeh. I want my boyboy! Huhu... Fat boyboy! Miao! Apparently he somehow managed to break his cage. Hahaha... Now there is a hole in the cage! I suppose he's getting too fat now. All the jumping up and down with his high body mass made the cage break.

October 21st, 2006
Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy.
That's how everyone sees me. It's not true. I never said it was true. It's so easy to pretend. To deceive. It's so easy to fake that I can't differentiate it from the truth anymore.
Happy. Happy not. Happy. Happy not?
I'm sorry for what I am about to do. If only for the mess that I'll leave behind.

Please don't :(

Weather forecast is rain, rain, rain in the afternoon.

My post-work dillemma might be upgraded from

Squashed in Bus in a Traffic Jam vs Dangerous and Tiring Walk

to

Got Bus or Not? in a SuperMassive Traffic Jam vs Dangerous, Tiring and Wet Walk

Commuting woes

Excuse the short one-line (or one paragraph) posts that have been popping up lately. That's me trying to pass some time at work, yet not willing to be caught out as a slacker. Hardy-har-har.

Yesterday, I saw a horror upon a bus. I can't say that I haven't seen it before but I guess it's been so long since such a sight that I was rather taken aback. The bus came 5 minutes later than it usual does, but packed full. Of course when it stopped (and nobody came off) everyone just kinda squeezed and squashed their way inside. Some people even just went in through the back (or more accurately the middle) door. *sigh* Saya tak sanggup. Especially it since it took 10 minutes for the bus to crawl from when I first spotted it, 50m down the road, to when it finally stopped at the bus stop.

Since I had no idea when the next bus would come (and how long the bus journey would take, considering), I called my sister asking if she would pick me up or whether I should just walk home. I figured that either way would be faster than waiting for the next bus. My sister decide to come and rescue me. It took us 1 hour to get back because of the traffic. AN HOUR. This is a route that would take us 10 minutes if there was no congestion. How do people do it every single day? Sit in traffic for hours on end? Howwww?

So, in the spirit of not being squashed worse than a sardine by getting on a bus, I have decided that I may try walking home. Now, a 40 minute walk is rather daunting especially when you know your fitness levels are rather low (try non-existent!). But a 40 minute walk at dusk, carrying a backpack which contains a laptop, walking with the traffic coming behind you, along a main road that transitions into a highway, with no proper pedestrian path, having to cross another major road and another highway during rush hour... It makes me think twice about being a sardine.

Needless to say, my mom is not happy. I am also :(

Plus, I keep thinking it is Friday when it is only Thursday. *sobs*

It's only 4.21pm

So, it seems that I spend more time waiting for work to finish than actually doing work. Am suppose to receive data to write up a report with. Not terribly exciting, but a welcome change than reading about the same topic 8 hours a day. I need a change of pace*.

*I suppose I could alternatively ask to be set up to talk with a couple of experts. But right now, I don't think I know enough to even ask informed questions. 

Simple Wiki?

Why is it that when I google Anaerobic Digestion, there are two Wikipedia pages, the normal version and a simple english version? Since when?

Letter to me.

Dear self,

Please remember that you're being paid to this. And also that it hasn't even been a week. Entertaining such thoughts is not advisable.

Thank you.

:(

Can I not go today? 

Thesis with a flair

So, for work, I've been assigned to do research about composting. After a few thousand different internet searches, I stumbled upon a promising master's thesis about the topic.

This guy is so dramatic, constantly using phrases like:

"From time immemorial..."
"Since the time of Darwin..."
"These humble species..."
"With the dawn of a theoretic new century..."

I guess it does break up the monotonous serius nature of a thesis.

Trying to make sense of it all

I know it's only been 3 days at work but after those 3 days I've come to a conclusion that
a) The company I'm at does do interesting work BUT
b) I'm not involved in things that I find interesting AND
c) I don't feel like I'll be there long enough to be involved in them.

I think my dream job would be one where all that mattered was that I met all my KPIs. And it didn't matter where or when my physical body existed as long as I do my work. Translation: I come in and leave the office at times of my own choosing and work at home when I feel that my physical presence is not necessary (of course while remaining easily contactable via phone/internet if anyone needs me).

But then I think back. When I was doing the labwork for my thesis, I spent an insane amount of time in the lab. On the worse days, when there were many many samples to run, I would be in the lab from early morning till late at night. Often I skipped lunche. Sometimes I had 2-hour tutoring slot squeezed in. But really I didn't mind. Because the work, while repetitive, occupied my mind. So really, I strongly feel, that if I had a job which I enjoyed doing, I wouldn't mind the long hours IF I had a job that kept my interest.

But you know what I detest? Commuting. I want to live where I work. Or have a instantaneous teleporter.

So, as I was thinking about all this I asked myself;

If I had a steady source of income that could basically pay for anything that I wanted (even pay-off that half-million debt I have), would I willingly:
i) get an engineering job?
ii) get a non-engineering job?
iii) do a postgraduate course in engineering?
iv) do a postgraduate course that is not related to engineering?
v) do a second undergraduate or a diploma course?
vi) study other things?
vii) get married?
viii) move to another country?

i) NO! I have always told anyone that asked that I would like to work in a technical engineering job. But really, while I enjoyed my engineering studies and while I think that designing and modelling and other types of engineering work are nifty things to do, if ever comes the opportunity for me not to have to work again... SAYONARA, babe.

ii) Maybe. Not a full-time job though. And definitely something close to home (or from home!).

iii) No.

iv)  Maybe. Not a MBA. But something else, maybe.

v) YES. *diplomainmathematics*

vi) YES. *languages*

vii) Yes? Possibly, if the right (or right-enough) guy exists. And I somehow meet him. And he somehow thinks that I am the right (or right-enough) girl.

viii) Maybe. If I could move my whole family as well. Really, I don't feel any love for my country at the moment.

So there. After all that the ideal solution would be to meet and fall in love with a rich foreigner who pays off all my debt, whisks me (and my family) away to some foreign land (!!!) where I am able to stay at home and do what-ever-the-hell tickles my fancy.

Like that will ever happen.

Facebook.

First off, facebook isn't really what I want to blog about today. I have other things on my mind, but it needs to simmer there a bit more before it's ready to be said. Or to be more precise, before I'm ready to say it.

So about fb. Right now almost everyone is complaining about the new layout on fb and also about the decrease in privacy. Just glancing through all the status' show that there is general displeasure all around. And I agree on both counts, that it really sucks. But what the heck is the big deal?

Point 1: Once upon a time quite awhile ago, fb decided to update their layout. Everyone hated it. Everyone complained. After a couple of months, some people changed their minds and decided they rather liked it. Others just got used to it. Most people probably won't remember how the old old layout was back then. So why is this any different.

Point 2: The whole point of fb is to share. That's like the basic concept, isn't it? If you don't really want people to know what you're doing/saying, just PM everyone instead. It's not that hard. Fb to me is like talking loudly to someone when you're in a room full of people. If you have something private to say, just use your head a little and find some place quiet to talk.

Now, please stop complaining. Because you see, when I stalk fb, I do it find out interesting tit-bits of info not to read about how fb sucks.

*sigh*

And so, since this is my quiet place to talk. I'd like share a "status":

I is feeling a little lonely. Please share some love.

Argh!

Silly bank printed it's own address instead of mine in my bankbook. And silly me didn't realise it till now.

Someone just shoot me.

Now I need to go to the bank again. During lunchtime.

Urghhhhhhhh.

Editing

Sometimes, I don't like having to go throught and edit/comment on reports written by others. It feels like I am somehow criticising them.

I can't help it if I have strict lecturers who question every single figure/graph/table and demand that you justify every single sentence.

I can't help it if I have sat through a journal submission review where every single sentence is read 10 thousand times in 10 thousand different ways to make sure that no only it is error-free, but also so that the meaning is clear and cannot be misconstrued.

*sigh*

It's the new year!

And my new year resolutions are...


SECRET.

Salam maal hijrah everyone.

Last night, for some unknown reason I started thinking about babies. Now, I'm not over fond of the little alien things but some of members of the species I find can be quite cute (provided they keep their distance of course).

But if I got a ringgit for everytime somebody holding a baby announces to me "He/She likes you!" and I turn to notice those beady little baby eyes just staaaaring at me...  *shudders"

So this begs the question, why do babies like me even though I do not like them as much?

1. I am genuinely attractive to babies. Hahahaha... Ha... Ha...

2. Babies notice that I avoid eye contact and generally try to place my self as far away from them as possible. Since this is the opposite reaction of possibly all other humans they've met, they're intrigued.

3. I am generally the smallest person of a group of adults and therefore they relate to me more.

4. The stare is actually a fervent plead for me rescue them from the crowd of people trying to smother/pinch/take an insane amount of pictures with the poor thing.

Hmmm....

Things on my mind

Prepping for work: Things to consider.

1) Shopping for clothes
While shopping for clothes when there's no pressing need to find items of clothing to fit a certain purpose is fun. You see something you like, you try. There are no hard feelings when you find that there is no chemistry there or that your chosen partner is too "high-end" of too "high-maintenance".
When shopping for clothes while knowing that you can only stop when you have found something suitable, it becomes stressful, almost unbearable. Especially if you have a bodyshape that doesn't go well with most things. Also, bits and pieces of additional fat making things worse. "Maybe you should wear a jacket or else it'll be too distracting." is not really what I'm aiming for. I have nobody that I would like to drive to distraction. At least not yet. But that's a whole other story.
Shopping for clothes, not looking forward to it.

2) Commuting
That area is a traffic nightmare in the mornings and evenings.
Cabs are a hit-and-miss affair. But cabs are expensive especially with the congestion.
It is on a bus route. However, coming in, the bus would logically stop on the opposite side. With a highway and a main road separating the bus stop and office. There is no padestrian crossing that I have been able to discern, and the truth is I have no idea where the bus stops. Nary a bus stop or even those little sign posts with the bus logo on it can be seen. Going back, at least I'll be on the right side of the highway. The bus should come every half hour. Should. But the bus service, while they've certainly improved is still rather unreliable.
Estimated walking time is 40 minutes. Compared to 5m down to the bus stop, 30m (possible) waiting time for the bus, 15 minutes on the bus (assuming light traffic) and 10 minutes from the bus (assuming it stops where I think it does) to my house, maybe walking is a better option. Plus there's that shopping complex that I'd pass on the way back, which is about halfway between the office and home.

Yech. Shopping on Monday, Deciding how to get there and back Tuesday. Today and tomorrow, maximum guling2 time.

Oh my.

It's only a internship position rather than a full-time one. I don't know the salary or even the working hours. And it sounds like I'm about to be thrown headlong straight into work (ie no pitterpatternewstaffgotnoworktodo business).

And I start Wednesday.
(I must be crazy. But seriously, they make it sound super-interesting).

*hyperventilates*

Interview today in less than 2 hours. I don't know how to describe how I'm feeling. It's not really nervousness, just a kind of anxiety to get it over with.

My first interview with them went well. Was interviewed by a nice lady from a subsidiary company just down the road from the HQ. Why? I don't know. For some reason there wasn't anyone else at HQ who could do the interview. I never found out who this lady was, whether she was HR or management or a senior technical person, since she didn't really introduce herself and at that time it felt akward to ask.

I expected at least a week before I'd hear back from that because that was what my interviewer told me. I don't know how companies typically conduct their recruitment activities, but I'd assumed they'd be interviewing a whole bunch of diffirent people before deciding who to call for the 2nd interview.

I'd gone for the first interview on a Thursday morning. On Friday, at roughly 7.00pm, they called back. But I didn't answer. Hahaha... To be honest, at that time, since it was so soon after the interview AND the fact that it was after office hours, I'd thought it was a random wrong number. Which it was clearly not.

I took the call on Monday morning, and was asked to come in again today. On a hunch, re-checked the call from Friday and realised it was from the same company (albeit a slightly differenly number). OMG!

So, either I was at the tail-end of the 1st round of interviews or they're just going ahead doing 2nd interviews for everyone. I don't know. I don't even have an inkling to what they'll be asking this time round. Oh well, whatever happens it'll be a learning experience.

Haih. I feel like I'm going for an exam which I have not adequately prepared for, but which I don't really have an inclination to do anymore preparation.

Hope it goes well.